I know we all like the story of finding the light, what we learned, and the calm that follows. Do we have the space to be raw, or does that need to hide in shame? I have a fire inside ripping apart my chest that demands to be felt, my vocal chords release grief with every echo.
This is now my body's final attempt at telling me to face what I have been disconnected from for so long. If I don't give this a controlled place to exist, like a wildfire, it will destroy.
Do you believe the calm isn't a result of the storm? And my, did that storm rage. The inspirational tale of boundless love is warming, but to get to that can you face the initial horror story without turning away?
We are quick to condemn our anger, conflict, and turmoil. Anger is our call to action and to pay attention to what we are feeling inside, it is our call that some part of us is hurt or in danger of being hurt. It shows us where we are disconnecting from self and from who and what we love. Your anger is telling you about a threat, even if it is only perceived. If you do not respond, your anger does not go away and it grows, and it keeps growing until it turns into a volatile reaction, or you run, or both.
Conflict is necessary, it brings about change and understanding, and opens the door for a more meaningful connection. We need to be able to experience conflict safely. There is a mutual trust and understanding that each person is showing up with the intention of mending what was hurt. This is not one sided. It does not need to be broadcasted to the world. Most people are not prepared to look conflict in the eye, they just keep looking away, distracting from their very real role in needing to experience this necessary element towards growth, and instead involving too many people who should not be involved by our pattern on repeat.
Turmoil is acceptable. Turbulence is a sign that everything behind your feelings and experiences is real. When was the last time a pilot said that a plane experiencing turbulence was unacceptable? Did the pilot panic and condemn the air? They accept the violence of air. Air is not nothing, your anger is not nothing, there is so much made up of what we can't see.
We are loving, empathetic, compassionate, kind people. We are also hurt, aggressive, and fearful people.
The beauty is in our ability to accept ourselves entirely and prepare ourselves to respond. By looking away from our human nature and the normal spectrum of who we are, we are reacting, and we will crash ourselves into who we love, or we will crash somewhere far off, both scenarios are devastating and destructive. After the crash, we avoid the damage done to ourselves and others in fear, we are not taking accountability that we control our vessel by accepting in honesty who we are, how we feel, where we have been, where we are going.
Running from our anger is as dangerous as a pilot who is ignorant to turbulence. Honor your anger, and use it as a tool, so that you do not use it as a weapon. You have a very real ability to destroy a garden, it is acceptance of this fact of who you are that you can actively choose to water the flowers instead. You must give yourself that choice by honoring your feelings, before anger makes the choice for you.
The next time you tell somebody you love them, make sure it's all of them you love, because telling someone "I only love the parts of you I find acceptable," is not really loving them, it's admiring your own face in the mirror, and this disingenuity causes significant pain.
No we are not always happy, we are not always light. Stop playing pretend with people, telling them you want to know about their journey, what makes them who they are, and then disparaging in some way the truth of their body, their mind, their soul. When you only want to hear what is good, that is not kind, it's nice. Nice is not genuine, and nice doesn't force us to heal and grow the way we are meant to, it does not create deep, meaningful connection.
Nice creates the smoke and mirrors for us to remain disconnected from authentic love, from self. Nice gives us nowhere to turn to look our fear dead in the eye.
Drop out of the race towards nowhere, running from fear. Deep connections do not just exist from nothing or all things good. What nourishes us comes from the lessons we make the active choice to learn, and usually pain is the teacher.
The cut of the thorn is how we learn to handle the rose. Will you learn how to handle the rose, or will the anger from the wound of your mishandling cause you to never cherish another rose again? Will you tend to your wounds, or are you still too angry to feel the regret of what you did not know and the grief of loss thereafter? We are not wrong for not knowing what we could not have known, to never learn is a choice.
I will honor our thorns, so that I may admire our roses once more. Unraveling the anger to find the broken pieces and tend to every last one, with careful consideration. I read the story again, the one where our wounds were created, to better understand how to heal them.
Brittany Rose, Following Tempest
Watercolor, Oil, Procreate,18" x 18"
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